Ok, I've had a request.

From sarmonster in response to the last post: "Why the wronged person in the relationship should confront the person they made the commitment with, not the person their S.O. fucked."

Yes, indeed.

The problem with blaming the person your SO fucked, is that, well, regardless of how you may feel about ethics and social contracts, that person really doesn't have any responsibility for your relationship.

Am I excusing people who look to purposely hook up with people who might be married or in exclusive relationships? Oh hell, no. However, as much as I think that behavior is reprehensible and will bite them on the ass in the long run, the fact remains that they really have no responsibility for the health and well-being of your relationship.

I understand the all too human desire to believe that someone you love and trust would NEVER hurt you, except for that shameless hussy who MADE them do it.

Ok, newsflash, unless that shameless hussy (of either gender) held a gun to the head of your SO, they didn't make them do shit. Your SO, knowing full well that they were in a relationship with you, made the decision all on their lonesome, to fuck this other person in direct opposition to the agreed upon terms of your relationship.

That's right, your special someone made the decision to fuck someone else. They are responsible for that decision.

And here's the thing, even when the other person knows that your SO is married/in a relationship with you, odds are good that they don't really know what's going on inside that relationship. They may have been told that you don't care, don't mind, the relationship is ending, you're only staying together for the children, you don't put out, it really isn't that kind of relationship, you don't respect them, blah blah blah... Really, you have no idea what this person who thinks little enough of you and your love to shit all over them is telling this other person.*

By the time you find out what's going on, the other person probably thinks you're this horrible creature who just doesn't love/understand/care about X like they deserve. And when you go after the other person, claws and fangs bared, it just reinforces every story your SO has ever told them about what a psycho hose-beast you are, how delusional you are, etc...

So what do you do?

Dump the cheating jerk. Confront them, for this relationship is their responsibility, and they screwed up. That's it. Going after their extra-curricular playtoy isn't going to prove or solve anything. Honestly.

"What about people who KNOW my SO is in a relationship and go after them anyway?" I hear you ask, "Certainly they deserve some punishment." Yeah, and saddling them with your cheating SO is probably more than ample punishment. Remember, if they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you, and ain't karma a bitch. The thing is, no matter how ardent the pursuit, it takes two to tango, and there ain't no cheating going on unless your sweetie agrees to the activity. Granted, if they don't agree and there is force or drugging involved,** that is rape and an entirely other ballgame.

But the gatekeepers to the sexual sanctity of your relationship are you and your SO(s). And while I would argue that going after taken people is shitty behavior in general, the fact remains that even the most devoted poacher is ultimately not responsible for whether or not you or your SO stray. Ultimately, the decision and responsibility lie with the people inside the relationship.



*And having been the "other woman" in a similar situation, it sucks. But it was also partially my fault for not investigating the situation on my own, independent of what the person told me.

**And NO this is not giving anyone license to use the "I was drunk, and lost control" excuse. That is bullshit and we all know it.