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elettaria "Next article: Don't Be The Accessory To Cheating, Either. I am truly sick of seeing intelligent women get themselves entangled with someone who has absolutely no intention of leaving their girlfriend, protesting that this is exactly what they want because they don't *want* a real relationship/non-Jewish boyfriend, and then having an occasionally exciting but generally miserable time of it for years. It's unethical to be the cause of someone else's pain, but quite apart from that, they're really not doing themselves any favours."
There are plenty of "reasons" why people sleep with otherwise attached individuals, from the folks who honestly believe when the cheater tells them it's "ok" or their SO doesn't care and they have an understanding, on up to the people who prefer attached partners because they don't have to worry about the relationship growing past "booty call" or people who really just get a kick out of seducing other people's partners and the power trip they get from it.
Having been one of the former, I know how easy it is to get suckered in. And I understand the desire to believe the best of someone you have the hots for. But, the fact remains that unless you speak to their SO about the situation, I wouldn't go there. Hugely bad idea that can cost years of enmity and bad feelings. And as someone replied in the last post, if your SO doesn't want to hear it, see it, find out anything, odds are pretty good that they really aren't comfortable with it and just don't want to be the bad guy or accused of denying who you really are. It's time for some gut-wrenchingly honest talks and renegotiation, at that point.
Now, as to the latter: KNOCK IT OFF.
Sleeping with someone who is attached and NOT in a relationship where that's ok is really, really shitty. And it is NOT THE FAULT OF THE CHEATERS SO (Significant Other), EITHER! JUST KNOCK THAT ENABLING BULLSHIT RIGHT OFF AND QUIT LYING TO YOURSELF!!!!
Seriously. It is not the duty of the cheated upon party to prevent the cheater from straying, not in this world nor in any other. S/He isn't cheating because their SO has gained weight, doesn't have time for them since the kids came along, or whatever their myriad reasons are. IF the relationship is really that bad, tell Mr./Ms. Wonderful to break up with the current relationship and call you back when they're actually available.
Granted, then you get the people who will flat out lie to you about being in a relationship at all. They'll tell you they're separated, in the process of a divorce, just divorced, long divorced, never married, etc...
Here's a few hints for recognizing these charmers:
1. If you can only call them at work or on their cell, never at home.
2. If you are not allowed to know where they live.
3. You never meet any of their friends.
4. The places you can be seen in public are extremely limited, and the times.
5. No PDA in public places, ever.
6. Tan line where the wedding ring lives.
There's more, but honestly, a lot of times you'll just have to trust your instincts. If something feels hinky, then don't date that person. Some philanderers are really, really damn good at it, and may be able to snow the most cynical and intelligent of people.
And seriously, if you're one of the folks who counts coup by sleeping with other people's partners, grow the fuck up. Yes, it is ultimately the responsibility of the person in the relationship to say NO to your skeezy ass, but willfully pursuing people who are off-limits is really fucked up, and you should probably seek some therapy to help deal with that library of issues you've got there.
While we're on the subject of enabling, as well. This also goes for the friends of the cheater who provide alibis, cover for them, act as lookout, whatever. Knock that shit off, too. A lot of times these folks wouldn't consider cheating themselves, but seem to develop some sort of weird ethical blind spot when it comes to this behavior in their best friend or good buddy. "That's just the way X is. Anyone who dates X should know that."
Did you TELL the person dating X that that's the way they are? Did you warn them? Because odds are good X didn't tell them. And if no one tells them, how are they to know? Hmmmm...
To some people's way of thinking it makes me a bad friend, but if I hang out with someone, and I know they can't keep it in their pants and someone who wants to date them asks, I'll tell them. I don't think of it as cock-blocking, I think of it as shielding someone from avoidable heartbreak. NOW if after getting the information that X cheats, a lot, and they think that they will be THE ONE to change X from a philandering asshead to the Perfect Mate, well, then, I think they get everything they deserve, but that's for another rant.
elettaria "Next article: Don't Be The Accessory To Cheating, Either. I am truly sick of seeing intelligent women get themselves entangled with someone who has absolutely no intention of leaving their girlfriend, protesting that this is exactly what they want because they don't *want* a real relationship/non-Jewish boyfriend, and then having an occasionally exciting but generally miserable time of it for years. It's unethical to be the cause of someone else's pain, but quite apart from that, they're really not doing themselves any favours."There are plenty of "reasons" why people sleep with otherwise attached individuals, from the folks who honestly believe when the cheater tells them it's "ok" or their SO doesn't care and they have an understanding, on up to the people who prefer attached partners because they don't have to worry about the relationship growing past "booty call" or people who really just get a kick out of seducing other people's partners and the power trip they get from it.
Having been one of the former, I know how easy it is to get suckered in. And I understand the desire to believe the best of someone you have the hots for. But, the fact remains that unless you speak to their SO about the situation, I wouldn't go there. Hugely bad idea that can cost years of enmity and bad feelings. And as someone replied in the last post, if your SO doesn't want to hear it, see it, find out anything, odds are pretty good that they really aren't comfortable with it and just don't want to be the bad guy or accused of denying who you really are. It's time for some gut-wrenchingly honest talks and renegotiation, at that point.
Now, as to the latter: KNOCK IT OFF.
Sleeping with someone who is attached and NOT in a relationship where that's ok is really, really shitty. And it is NOT THE FAULT OF THE CHEATERS SO (Significant Other), EITHER! JUST KNOCK THAT ENABLING BULLSHIT RIGHT OFF AND QUIT LYING TO YOURSELF!!!!
Seriously. It is not the duty of the cheated upon party to prevent the cheater from straying, not in this world nor in any other. S/He isn't cheating because their SO has gained weight, doesn't have time for them since the kids came along, or whatever their myriad reasons are. IF the relationship is really that bad, tell Mr./Ms. Wonderful to break up with the current relationship and call you back when they're actually available.
Granted, then you get the people who will flat out lie to you about being in a relationship at all. They'll tell you they're separated, in the process of a divorce, just divorced, long divorced, never married, etc...
Here's a few hints for recognizing these charmers:
1. If you can only call them at work or on their cell, never at home.
2. If you are not allowed to know where they live.
3. You never meet any of their friends.
4. The places you can be seen in public are extremely limited, and the times.
5. No PDA in public places, ever.
6. Tan line where the wedding ring lives.
There's more, but honestly, a lot of times you'll just have to trust your instincts. If something feels hinky, then don't date that person. Some philanderers are really, really damn good at it, and may be able to snow the most cynical and intelligent of people.
And seriously, if you're one of the folks who counts coup by sleeping with other people's partners, grow the fuck up. Yes, it is ultimately the responsibility of the person in the relationship to say NO to your skeezy ass, but willfully pursuing people who are off-limits is really fucked up, and you should probably seek some therapy to help deal with that library of issues you've got there.
While we're on the subject of enabling, as well. This also goes for the friends of the cheater who provide alibis, cover for them, act as lookout, whatever. Knock that shit off, too. A lot of times these folks wouldn't consider cheating themselves, but seem to develop some sort of weird ethical blind spot when it comes to this behavior in their best friend or good buddy. "That's just the way X is. Anyone who dates X should know that."
Did you TELL the person dating X that that's the way they are? Did you warn them? Because odds are good X didn't tell them. And if no one tells them, how are they to know? Hmmmm...
To some people's way of thinking it makes me a bad friend, but if I hang out with someone, and I know they can't keep it in their pants and someone who wants to date them asks, I'll tell them. I don't think of it as cock-blocking, I think of it as shielding someone from avoidable heartbreak. NOW if after getting the information that X cheats, a lot, and they think that they will be THE ONE to change X from a philandering asshead to the Perfect Mate, well, then, I think they get everything they deserve, but that's for another rant.
