The Pervasiveness of Sexual Coercion
Oct. 13th, 2008 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
polimicksYeah, this is going to be one of those posts that are going to make an assload of people roll their eyes and declare me a humorless feminist. And well, if you really think that you have obviously never met me, because I am wicked fucking funny and don't you forget it.
There are a whole lot of reasons why some people have trouble calling rape rape. Pop culture for the last several decades, hell, centuries, has depicted women as reluctant for sex, at least on the surface. "Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes." Women have to be "awakened" to their sexual desires, sometimes forcefully. Dating manuals from as recent as the 1950s advised young men to ignore the struggles of young ladies they wished to kiss or fondle, unless she screamed loud enough to draw attention or drew blood with her fingernails, slapping wasn't good enough if no one heard it. The story of the young man who drives his date out to the middle of nowhere and then essentially tells her to "put out or get out" fills movies, novels and tv, as well as the autobiographical stories of real women. Even my beloved Romance novels are filled with unwilling heroines wooed into sexual abandon by the forceful hero of the story.
This pop culture avalanche of "no meaning yes" sends a horrible message to everyone.
However, pop culture is also not so kind to the men either. In pop culture, men are all sex-crazed imbeciles who will take sex any time, any where, from any one. Men are supposed to want sex all the time and take it when they want it in order to be a real man.
The pressure to be studs, combined with a society that tells them that girls have to be coerced into sex they would "enjoy if they give it a chance" combines to muddy the waters of sexual interactions something fierce.
I have had men describe a situation that I could only call rape, then look me in the eye and tell me it wasn't rape. And the thing is, if you gave them a lie detector they would pass, because they honestly do not see anything wrong with coercing someone into sex, having sex with someone who is unconscious and therefore unable to consent, or refusing to let someone out of their house or car without a sexual act.
This belief does not let them off the hook. Just as the belief that men want sex all the time does not let women who have sex with men who are unconscious, or who coerce men into sex off the hook either. Nor does it excuse men who do the same with other men.
No means No. I don't care how many times Hollywood, Harlequin, or society tells you it doesn't. And Yes does not mean Yes, if that it the only answer you will accept, and you are holding someone's life, livelihood or safety and well-being hostage. If someone is too drunk to know what is going on and you fuck them, you have raped them. If someone is unconscious and you fuck them, you have raped them.
But most of all, if someone says No, and you fuck them anyway, you have raped them. Don't assume they're being coy or playing hard to get. If they say No, take it at face value. If they don't actually MEAN no, let them deal with it. I say this for the protection of everyone out there. If you're not sure the other person wants it, then err on the side of caution. It'll save everyone involved a whole bunch of heart ache.
In real life there is nothing sexy about coercion. Nothing.
There are a whole lot of reasons why some people have trouble calling rape rape. Pop culture for the last several decades, hell, centuries, has depicted women as reluctant for sex, at least on the surface. "Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes." Women have to be "awakened" to their sexual desires, sometimes forcefully. Dating manuals from as recent as the 1950s advised young men to ignore the struggles of young ladies they wished to kiss or fondle, unless she screamed loud enough to draw attention or drew blood with her fingernails, slapping wasn't good enough if no one heard it. The story of the young man who drives his date out to the middle of nowhere and then essentially tells her to "put out or get out" fills movies, novels and tv, as well as the autobiographical stories of real women. Even my beloved Romance novels are filled with unwilling heroines wooed into sexual abandon by the forceful hero of the story.
This pop culture avalanche of "no meaning yes" sends a horrible message to everyone.
However, pop culture is also not so kind to the men either. In pop culture, men are all sex-crazed imbeciles who will take sex any time, any where, from any one. Men are supposed to want sex all the time and take it when they want it in order to be a real man.
The pressure to be studs, combined with a society that tells them that girls have to be coerced into sex they would "enjoy if they give it a chance" combines to muddy the waters of sexual interactions something fierce.
I have had men describe a situation that I could only call rape, then look me in the eye and tell me it wasn't rape. And the thing is, if you gave them a lie detector they would pass, because they honestly do not see anything wrong with coercing someone into sex, having sex with someone who is unconscious and therefore unable to consent, or refusing to let someone out of their house or car without a sexual act.
This belief does not let them off the hook. Just as the belief that men want sex all the time does not let women who have sex with men who are unconscious, or who coerce men into sex off the hook either. Nor does it excuse men who do the same with other men.
No means No. I don't care how many times Hollywood, Harlequin, or society tells you it doesn't. And Yes does not mean Yes, if that it the only answer you will accept, and you are holding someone's life, livelihood or safety and well-being hostage. If someone is too drunk to know what is going on and you fuck them, you have raped them. If someone is unconscious and you fuck them, you have raped them.
But most of all, if someone says No, and you fuck them anyway, you have raped them. Don't assume they're being coy or playing hard to get. If they say No, take it at face value. If they don't actually MEAN no, let them deal with it. I say this for the protection of everyone out there. If you're not sure the other person wants it, then err on the side of caution. It'll save everyone involved a whole bunch of heart ache.
In real life there is nothing sexy about coercion. Nothing.
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 03:22 pm (UTC)